So I was just going about my business, getting ready for work when I was stopped in my tracks. I was jolted out of the auto-pilot of my morning routine (if I remember correctly I was doing something very mundane like putting my moisturiser on – hey, gotta look after those cheeks, right) when I really heard what was going on inside my head…the self-talk was positive and the thought popped into my head…”Hey Lady, seems you’ve found yourself some self-confidence there!”. I’m not sure where it came from, maybe I was subconsciously ‘eyeing myself up’ in the refection like someone else in my house seems to do daily, like a cockatoo talking to itself in the pet-shop mirror! lols
Now for those of you who go confidently into the world on a daily basis and never dissect your actions, worth, or abilities, and don’t battle with the voices in your head, you probably won’t understand what I’m talking about, but I’m guessing there are plenty of you out there that will.
I guess I had noticed the transformation happening for a while now. That sneering, domineering, cold-hearted inner critic that had run my thoughts for so long, was now losing the battle to a new inner warrior woman who has been growing stronger. It seems now that wild, strong warrior woman has out-grown the critic who has slunk off into the corner. Now I know the critic is still lurking, but she seems to have lost her will to torment me, and while she is still throwing out her barbs and planting ideas of ‘not enough’ they seem to lack conviction, because she knows the warriors experience of ‘more than enough’ is stronger.
It’s about now I’m thinking in the back of my mind whether TradeMe (New Zealands version of eBay) sells Xena Warrior Princess outfits, and whether it’s socially acceptable to wear one to do the grocery shopping next week…? hmmmmmm
Back to business though for a moment.
For so many years I have struggled with ‘the voice in my head’. In the hardest times, when I first left my 11-year abusive relationship (yes it got worse before it got better – but it was worth it) the noise was so bad, so overwhelming, panic attacks would overcome me. I would just wish for the noise to stop, that I would be able to stop battling the negative voices, the self-doubt, the feelings of not being good enough. It was exhausting – and this is even in retrospect coming from someone who runs ultras!
So you can imagine my joy when I realised that the balance seems to have moved, the noise has for the most part stopped. When I realised that I hadn’t had to battle for a while and that in fact I had turned into my own biggest cheerleader, I realised my “I can’t”, had turned into “I can’s” and out of that some magic has happened!
It seems every challenge that I have overcome, has strengthened that badass woman within, but perhaps the Naseby experience (and this challenge as a whole) has now tipped the scales.
So to everyone battling an inner critic…and I think that’s most of us? Go chase down your ‘I cant’s’ and turn them into ‘I cans’. Once the balance tips, there lies endless potential and limitlessness…and I have to say it’s a pretty cool feeling 🙂
